What Would You Do Without Me?
by WeirdKookie7012
Summary: A girl dies pathetically and is reborn into the HP world in the most unorthodox way. Not wanting to follow the role she was born into, she decides to become someone no one will mess with. GEN (T for language) Don't expect it to be good. Written just for the hell of it.
1. Where the F--- Am I?

I don't own a thing except my oc.

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Chapter 1: Where the F- Am I?

* * *

I kind of want to die right now. Why? Because I am so fuckin' embarassed.

I mean, you would be embarrassed if you just came out of somebody's...UGH! I don't even want to mention it.

So here I am. Naked. Wet. And not human.

The FUCK she just say. Yeah, you heard me. God, or whoever is in charge of the afterlife, didn't have the decency to make a human.

You must be wondering what I am, right?

Well, I'm a freakin' house elf.

* * *

So, I died. You might expect an extra sad death like being run over while protecting a kid. Nope!

I was at the movies with some of my friends. And, of course, if you go to the movies you have to buy their ridiculously expensive popcorn and drinks. So, I was eating some popcorn when the goddamn movie made me laugh so hard my popcorn went down the wrong way and I died. It was pretty horrible. I wasn't too panicked at first since I have had many choking experiences with drinks and food alike. But after about 20 seconds of trying to get the popcorn out of my throat, I started panicking. It took a while for my friends to notice. My friends probably thought I was dying of laughter...metaphorically speaking. But, when they did, they were all over the place. The funny part is when I thought I was going to be okay when I clawed for the drink container only for it to be empty. I vaguely remember my friends and some strangers doing things like the heimlich - although, I don't think they were doing it right. It felt like they were crushing my ribs - and CPR - there goes my first kiss. I don't really know what happened after that but I do know what happened in the end. _POOF._ Dead.

I know, what a stupid way to die.

Whenever I think back, I am kind of mad at my friends for not noticing me earlier. Sometimes, I'm mad at the strangers for standing there with fear in their eyes but not stepping closer. The only reason why I didn't go vengeful spirit on their asses is because deep down I know I would have done the same thing. I would have freezed and not know what I was doing. I can't blame them for an accident.

* * *

Anyways, not only will be a slave for my entire life, I am REALLY ugly.

You might think: "Oh, come on! It might not be that bad."

It's that bad. Don't get me wrong. I love Dobby and was sad when he died. I, along with many others, thought he was cute in a weird way. That doesn't me I want to be like him.

Now, I am cursed with chronic shortness, baldness, and a-cute-but-annoying-at-times high-pitched voice. I also have to wear really ugly rags/pillow cases.

…

I feel like I am forgetting something.

Oh yeah! I'm a house elf for the Malfoy family.


	2. I've Decided

I don't own Harry Potter.

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Chapter 2: I've Decided

* * *

When I first caught sight of my bald self in the mirror, I thought things could not get worse. I was wrong.

It was times like this that made me wish I was born in a different world. A peaceful world like Pokemon. Think about it. A world where you can be 10 yrs old for 19 years and counting. Do you remember how many times a trainer was blasted by water, set on fire, electrocuted, etc. and survived? Pretty sure it was every single time. I would bet on it. Although that could just be because they didn't want to air deaths on a show for kids and the kids-at-heart.

Back to the topic, house elves have shitty names. My parents are Mitsy and Floppy.

I am (GROOT...JK) Moppy. Ten guesses how I got that name. -_-

My life isn't the worse. It's just boring as hell. I found out that my parents had me because the Malfoys are planning to have a child soon, and I am the poor fucker who will be bonded to it. In preparation, I was born and am being taught how to clean, cook, and be the perfect lackey/punching bag for my master. I am so freaking excited (-.-). Plus, Master Lucius hasn't been happy with the current house elves.

In between my hours of hell, I've been thinking. It's inevitable that I will be bound to what I believe to be Draco Malfoy, unless there is a change to the story. There is no way I will be powerful enough to stop it from happening. If things go its natural course, I'm going to be a very unhappy and abused house elf.

Good thing that doesn't have to happen. Plus, the darn house elf genetics kind of wants someone or something to take care of. So, I've decided...things have to change.

Draco Malfoy cannot be a whiny prissy bigot that he was in the books and movies. He has to be badass 'cause no way am I having canon!Malfoy ordering me around and embarrassing me. Yes, "embarrassing me" because I don't think I'll make it if he says "Wait till my father hears about this" and variations.

He's not the only one I am planning on changing. I'm planning to become badass myself. Afterall, the fanfics keep talking about the house elves' inert ability to do wandless magic and disregard the witches' and wizards' magic. I gets me thinking that if only house elves weren't so clingy and workaholic, we could've taken over the world.

…

Can you imagine us in power? We would probably order people to be messy on purpose so we can clean up after them. With us in charge, there would be no wars because everyone would be so fucking happy with having to do nothing.

…

So...yeah. I am going to be badass.


	3. Operation Paparazzi

I don't own Harry Potter.

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Chapter 3: Operation Paparazzi

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We are so ignorant. There are so many things we don't know about house elves like how utterly fucking crazy they are. Every second I spend with them makes me feel like I am descending into madness and stupidity. Do you know how much your IQ drops by listening to their poor grammar? A lot.

Let me help you imagine by describing my day.

So I was sleeping peacefully in my cot like any self-respecting being and then…

"Moppy, youses have to wakey up. Masters and Mistresses wants house clean."

Do you get me now? And to think I have to listen to that continuously throughout the day. It wasn't even light out yet. If I had to guess, it was about four or five o'clock. In other words, too early to wake up!

However, one thing you have to understand about being a house elf is that sacrifice is necessary. No sleeping in. No snackses. No fun...EVER!

So I got out of heaven and stepped into hell. Clad in only my gray pillow case, I set off to find a messy room to clean.

In my new life, I realized that I like cleaning and doing chores but that could be the house elf talking. It just that seeing an ugly messy room become clean or ingredients become food makes me feel proud.

That's where house elf me ends. Human me is a lazy shit who is horrified that she is forced to do chores and wake up early. So what do I do? Cheat. I abuse the crap out of my cleaning magic because what is magic for other than making your life easy. If I'm going to be a slave, I deserve to use magic willy nilly like this. Anyways, it's faster and cleaner. I generally clean and do more than the other house elves who are goody goods that actually like to work. It's sickening. Don't they know that their slower and less thorough work without magic leaves the opportunity to make mistakes and get punished. I mean, look at Dobby. He, like the other house elves, keeps doing things by hand 'cause it's "more work" and breaks things all the time. He's adorable but very clumsy.

So, in conclusion, I'm both the laziest and hard working elf in the household. The masters have determined me more trustworthy than my peers and have given me the more sensitive jobs. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is working!

Huh? You want to know the plan.

…

I don't know if I should tell you, but I guess you are dishonest enough to lie to others about what my plan is.

Any SI!character who joins a universe knows that there are rules to survive and be badass.

Power. You need to become powerful enough to not be pushed around. No damsel in distress and general uselessness for you. However, it is recommended that you keep your growing power a secret to prevent people trying to stop you.

Knowledge. You need to fucking know about the world and be prepared. Without knowledge, you end up making unwise decisions only to wonder how everything could become fucked up before you know it.

Wealth/Resources. You can't do much without resources. The end.

Power is easy. House elves have natural wandless magic. Plus, everyday I'm working with my magic and trying different things with it.

Knowledge? Covered since I can read from the Malfoy library in secret for magical knowledge. Any muggle information can also be obtained by popping into a library or bookstore and taking a book. It's not like the books are missed. Not many people check out textbooks and nonfiction books. After I'm done I give it back, so no harm done.

Wealth and resources is the problem. I'm a house elf so I don't have wealth. My masters do. That's where the plan comes into action. Like Lady Gaga once sang, "I'll follow you until you love me." Operation Paparazzi is simple. Stalk the Malfoys and cater to their every whim. They love me and don't treat me like shit. They trust me and send me on errands. On some of the errands I get, I sneak away to get money and play the stock market under a new identity to get rich.

…

BOOM. Mind blown.

I surprised myself with the plan. I guess an overactive imagination is what you get from reading too many fanfics.

Besides all that, my reading came in handy with all the ideas it provides. You learn things like how to make someone's eyeballs explode while in their head!...and Legilimency. It's still a work in progress but I can kinda do it. I am now able to get some thoughts or images on the surface of peoples' minds. I have decided to wait before going all out and diving into their mind. That's probably why I know that the Day is coming. Note that the D in Day is capitalized.

I couldn't believe it when my parents went up to me and gave me a talk. You remember that the masters want a child, right? Well, they decided that they will soon have sexual intercourse when the mistress is most fertile…

…

And I have to watch.

Yup, the Day is Master's Conception Day. Since I am going to be the new master's personal house elf, I have the honor of watching live wizard porn and do things like prepare drinks and refreshments when it is needed or draw a bath.

I can hear my dad talking to me right now.

"Moppy, Daddsey so proud! Youses get to see master beginning like your daddsey. Oh, Daddsey remember Master Lucius beginning. Master Abraxas -beep- !WARNING! MIND MALFUNCTION !WARNING! -beep- Then, the mistresses get fat and Master Lucius came out of her BEEP. Daddsey never forgets that day."

I totally did not pop into my room and pass out. Nope, never.


	4. You Need Me

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Chapter 4: You Need Me

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This. Can. Not. Be. Happening.

"Oh, Lucius...OH!"

This is just an illusion. I must have eaten a bad hallucination-inducing mushroom at some point.

"Do you like that, Narcissa? Huh? Tell me what you want."

Or...I died and went to hell with this being my eternal punishment.

"Go-! Go faster…! I want more!...AH!"

Let me think. What did I do that condemned me to hell? Was it that time I never return my friend's movie? What about that time I forgot to feed my fish, Gold Flakes? It was a freaking accident! I was seven for crying out loud!

"Narcissa…*pants pants*...I'm almost there."

"AH! Me -AH- too."

I can't believe I am still watching this. In the beginning, I tried not to look. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where, no matter how hard you try, a tiny part of you has to find out how things are going. Obviously, it's going great for them. Me? Not so much. -_-

"AAHHH!"

I watched in relief as my masters finally slumped over in exhaustion. They have been going at it for hours. HOURS! With the one they just had, the climax count is a seven. There is no way mistress is not pregnant.

Under a cloak of magic and darkness, I stepped from the corner of the room towards the couple. With a wave of my hand, I banished the remains of their "activities" and made sure they would be comfortable when they woke up. When they wake up, there would be a hot bath waiting for them along with fresh clothes. I looked at the clothes on the floor and sent them off to the laundry elves.

I sighed and swiped at the nonexistent sweat on my forehead. I hope things get easier.

* * *

Lucius sat down heavily in his chair and rubbed his temples. Today was a tiring day.

It has been a couple months since he and Narcissa tried for an heir. He leaned back and smiled fondly. He couldn't wait for the child to be born. He had a feeling that it would be the happiest day of his life. Although, these days have been grating his nerves. First, the idiot minister and the damn light supporters shooting down his bill against prejudices against the "dark" creatures. Now, with the pregnancy, Narcissa has been acting very...chaotic. One moment, she is calming reading in the lounge. Next, she is breaking everything in her line of sight. This is followed by the routine sobbing and blubbering of her worries over not being a good mother. He doesn't just stand there. He tries to calm her, whispering how great a mother she would be and all the things they would do with their child. However, instead of calming her, she lashes out at him. Lately, things has been tense between them. He doesn't know what to do.

*Pop*

He tensed, startled by the noise and looked at the direction it came from. There, on his desk, was a bottle of firewhiskey and his photo album. He carefully reached out for it, ignoring the bottle, and flipped to a page. He watched as a younger Lucius walked hand in hand in Hogsmeade, smiles on their faces and a blush on Narcissa's. He remembered. It was taken in the spring. Finals were coming up, and they went to Hogsmeade for the first time in weeks to destress. It was one of their best decisions.

He flipped to another random page and froze. His fingers softly caressed the picture featured. It was their wedding day. He watched with a sad, but loving, gaze. Narcissa looked so beautiful. He watched as he and Narcissa gave a kiss to seal the marriage before turning and smiling brightly into the camera. His fingers caressed her cheek bone before reminding himself how the album got there.

"Come out!"

*Pop*

"Master called."

It was a small house elf. Normally, all house elves are small, but this one more so.

"How did you get this? Why did you bring it here?" He demanded, gesturing to the book.

"What do you mean how? Moppy, brought it of of room for master to see. Master is sad and missing mistress. Master needed to look."

Lucius stared in disbelief. He didn't know if the elf was good or stupid. Usually, touching his or Narcissa's extremely personal objects meant punishment but...

He swallowed. He _did_ need this. All the memories with Narcissa before the nasty politics helped ease the distress that came from her pushing him away.

"Master knows that mistress loves him, right?"

He looked up. "What?"

"Mistress has been feeling sick and bad. She wants some alone time to think about her worries. When you go to her, she feels like she needs to be stronger. That's why she pushes."

He opened his mouth but couldn't find the words.

"I- you are a very strange house elf. Do you know that?"

He watched in interest as the elf frowned but nodded.

"Normally, I would have you punished, but...I'm busy right now." He said, pretending to look through the papers on his desk with interest.

 _Thank you._

If he had looked up, he would have seen the elf smile. She smiled as she popped out of the room scot-free.

 _You're Welcome._

After the elf left, Lucius turned back to the album, pouring some firewhiskey as he looked through the pictures.


	5. You Need Me 2

I don't own Harry Potter.

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Chapter 5: You Need Me 2

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I miss being human.

I miss watching tv and muggle food. Food in the magical word is good but they haven't discovered the wonders of chemicals and artificial flavoring. It's so sad.

As for the pregnancy, it is going well ...in a physically sense. Mistress Narcissa has been very moody lately. Even right now she is sitting on the floor crying her eyes out. I've never been pregnant so I can't relate with her that well. However, I do have sympathy for my fellow female.

I want to help her but what can a house elf do to cheer up her hormonal and pregnant mistress. Hmmm… what do I do when I'm sad.

...there's no TV so that limits things…

...she's pregnant so nothing too physical…

...food?

FOOD!~ Nothing cheers you up like good food. I know just the thing, too!

* * *

 ***pop***

Narcissa looked up from the ground.

A house elf? What is it doing?

"Why are you here, elf? Shouldn't you be working?"

"Moppy is done with work. Moppy tend to mistress now." The creature replied.

Narcissa scoffed. "I don't need tending. I just want to be alone." She took out a handkerchief and wipe her face. She knew even without a mirror that she looked terrible.

She turned away to hide her face and listened to the pop as the elf, Moppy, went away. Peace.

*pop

?

She looked back. There, on the table that was next to the elf before, were two containers and a spoon. What is it?

Just to make sure she cast some detection spells. After all, these were turbulent times and you can never be too careful. Nothing.

Tentatively, she opened the containers. One was fairly easy to open. The other was trickier and seemed to be some bottle. She watched as brown syrup dripped out of the bottle as she squeezed slightly. Catching some on her finger, she carefully tasted it. Chocolate?

Narcissa gave a small moan of delight as the chocolate syrup excited her taste buds. She looked at the other container. She took the spoon in her hand and tried that as well. Ice cream? Surely, it was ice cream. She remember tasting it in Florean Fortescue's parlor. This was a different flavor. Simple yet refreshing. She read the container. French Vanilla? It's just vanilla. She remembered vanilla being on the menu but had dismissed it in favor of the more extravagant and eye-catching flavors. Obviously, she made a mistake as she fell in love with the classic taste of vanilla.

Her eyes peeked at the bottle of chocolate syrup. Light bulb! Her hand snaked towards the syrup and a moment later she found herself enjoying some chocolate syrup covered vanilla ice cream. She felt her insides fill up with delight and her worries falling to the back of her mind.

*pop

Her body jumped at the sudden sound. Once again, the small side table had several things on it. It wasn't food this time. They were books. Just by looking she could see they were none that the Malfoys had in their library. These book lacked the leather binding typical in tomes. Instead, these books had a type of hard cover that was shiny and smooth paper, not parchment. The various titles surrounded one topic. How to take care of your baby. First Steps: The Guide for New Mothers. Things You Should Know About Your Baby. From a Mother to a Mother: The Journey to Happiness.

Narcissa's hands gently brushed the pages in the books. Of course she has her own books, but she was surprised by the information in these ones. The ones she that she had read were just like instruction manuals and textbooks. Do this, do that, use this spell.

THESE books gave her information on how her baby developed inside her, how to emotionally connect with her child and raise him, but most importantly, the last one made her feel like she wasn't going to be a failure. All this time, she felt like she was alone in her fears of not being a good parent for her child. She read as the author, a mother, had fears about her own pregnancy and her growth as a mother.

She was absolutely entranced by the book and somehow found herself in a chair reading until the last page. She didn't realize how much time had passed and by the time she stopped reading her ice cream had melted and had been replaced with some small sandwiches.

That house elf, Moppy, was it? She would have to remember that. She had a feeling that she would be something big.

* * *

 **Later that night, Lucius Malfoy would notice the difference with his wife as she gave him a warm hug and kissed him softly on the cheek a good night. Something that she had withheld from him lately.**

"Did something good happen?"

"I guess you can say that. I got a question. Did we get a new house elf?"

"Not by purchase. But yes. Why do you ask?"

He watched as his beloved wife give a mysterious smile.

...

Ah, so you again.

* * *

Moppy smiled at the good work she did. Maybe things aren't going to be as bad as she thought.


End file.
